Breaking News: Presidential Fitness Test scandal
Taking a cue from the Abu Graib detainees, overweight children around the country have filed suit against George W. Bush, claiming the “Presidential Fitness Test” tantamount to torture.
One of the plaintiffs, known only as Charles, agreed to speak to our Amanda Congdon, who is heading the investigative report.
When asked what his most painful experience was, Charles, age 11, took a moment to compose himself, a puff from his albuterol inhaler, and replied: “the flexed arm hang.” He recalls; “It was 3rd period, and I was the first to go. Why did I have to be the first to go? I’m never the first, usually I wait till everyone else is done and then try…but not this time.”
Charles shudders as he remembers that day.
“The President humiliated my son.” says Maura, Charles’ mother and enabler. “Who is he to test my child like this? We demand reparations!”
Charles blames his abnormally stubby arms for his 3 second hang time. “Coach had to lift me up to the bar, and when I grabbed on, the kids started taunting me, calling me T-Rex. When I asked coach to make them stop, he told me that the dinosaur was extinct for a reason.”
Coach Peter Projowski was later suspended after a controversial photograph of him and a pyramid of sweaty, fat children surfaced on the Web. At an emergency meeting of the PTA Security Council Coach Projowski insisted he was merely trying to drum up enthusiasm for his new gymnastics program.
Attempts to reach Coach Projwoski failed, however we were able to contact his ex-wife, Darlene, who claimed their marriage fell apart after they couldn’t agree on how many children to have. We got this statement from Darlene, “I wanted to have two kids, all Peter said was that he wanted “enough to build a pyramid.”
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